Gawdammmit! My bank is always making mistakes. Bank of This Continent
, if you know who I mean.
CHECKCARD GEORGE BUSH INT'L HOUSTON TX DEBIT ON 08/03/2006 - $12.60My letter follows:
Dear Gyant Bank:
I'd like to protest the charge of $12.60 against my Visa™ card, number xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx, expiration date xx/yy.
Now, I'll admit - I was mistaken in purchasing two plastic-bottled (nice touch!) Bud Lite™ beers. After many years of beer supression, I was looking forward to the free-thinking atmosphere of the Uniter "Beer States" of America! Whoooooooo!
Those beers appeared enticingly cold in the cooler. In fact, I was almost sure that I could see delicious beads of condensation against the smooth surface of the bottle. The beer almost looked as if it was trying to burst out - like it wanted freedom or something. (My stomach growled about that cruel bottle - holding that beer against it's will!)
I asked a friend of mine to touch the beer to verify it's coldness, but he couldn't - he told me that someone who used to work at the beer booth last year said it should be cold.
Hrummph. Well, if that's good enough for George Bush Intercontinent airport, it's good enough for me! I trust that the coolers'd be kept "kool" in a place like GHWBIA!
I sent my hard-earned money into the breach with the anticipation that it would be met with the chilled reception that only an "I-scold" (ha-ha, that's what my wifey calls 'em!) Bud can deliver!
I was especially excited because this all happened in George Bush Intercontinent Airport - and I was on my way to Baton Rouge - (the overcrowded castle next door to the shithouse as my Republican friends call it).
In other words, what a Bush promises, it delivers, and I knew that in this temple of beer, auntie-terrerism and precision flight, I couldn't go wrong!
Now, I know that in today's corporate climate of belt-tightening, I might be asked to sacrifice as a citizen. To pay more. To expect less. For the good of the country.
I stand behind this directive! Yes, sir!
But, sir, there is only so far any citizen can go on a regular basis. This beer was as warm as...well, I don't mean to be rude (and if y'rn a woman, skip to the next paragraph!) but that beer was as warm as...well, as Jesus said: "the path of an ass in the heat of July"*.
I found out from the Oriental woman running the counter (is she a terraist?) that the beer is "sprayed" to make it look all frosty and shit.
To add insultation to injuriousness, I paid too much for beer in the airport last time I was there, and I was surprised to find that the beer was even more expensive today - despite our conquerisquation of the rice and hop fields in Afghanistan.
Fox News (they've got a store in the Houston Airport!) said that Afghanistan was going to plow under the poppies for the "stoppies" - in other words, grains or other crops that would "stoppie" the drug trade. I want to help - but not if our government is going to let expensive Afghani rice and grain into our beers. It is time this practice stopped.
You'd think that those people have better things to do since we liberated them from the Tally-Man - but no - they just grouse an shoot at the brave Americans we send over there to fight.! It isn't like grain is hard to grow.**
(Aw, hell, we have better things to do - my wife has to spend hours on the phone with our investment counselors, trying to figure out what to do with all the money we made off of Enron in 2000!)
Back to business, what exactly are we fighting for, if not freedom? And does not freedom mean that OneClass members get beer on the cheap in the ass-hot terminals at GHWBIA? I'm disappointed. Therein lies the problem, and my complaint.
Since I was in the George H.W. Bush Airport, I proclaim my right to have the American people pay for my mistakes over the next twelve years. (Please submit a form 1099-DMBASS to the I.R.S. (not the record company!), and submit a credit to Capitol One against the above-mentioned account for $12.60.)
An American who can count. (and 2-3 Billion a week in Iraq is a lot to keep up with)
*Not an actual Jesus Quote. For actual Jesus Quotes, click here.
Jesus quotes may be substituted, and not quoth by the actual carpenter, who may not actually be from Nazareth, Jerusalem, or for that matter, in this corporeal world. But hey - believe what you want. It might be Jesus on the other end. You never know.
**This entire post is a fucking joke. If you were on a phone, I'd say "hang up". If you haven't figured it out yet...pull the power plug outta your computer, drink a bottle of beer, and head for the nearest coast.